Whitecaps

Sobriety, revelations and reckoning; I’m touching on all of them today. 325 days sober with no desire to drink and a renewed plan of self care/self love so I can roll the lens back onto myself and stop trying to help/fix other people. I need to stay in my fucking sandbox, but it’s so hard. When you see people you care about seemingly intent on destroying their lives. That sounds dramatic but in the span of a week 2 friends have gone back to abusive relationships. One just yesterday. She had done everything right; didn’t put his name on the lease, informed her landlord of abuse, dropped his punk ass at a fucking gas station so his mom could pick up her 40yr old, unemployed loser son who has 7 kids by 5 women and spends his money on OnlyFans.

The revelation part is you can’t change someone’s mind or actions even when you love them more than life itself. When you’re friends with someone intent on going off the rails, one of the hardest things you have to do is bear witness. Watching someone you care about go through pain that could be so easily avoided is heartbreaking. But trying to get through is futile too. All my ex ever talked about was having the time and space to pursue his music. Get all of his tracks down and mastered. In 40 years, never the time nor place nor opportunity arose. Until now. And he’s putting his energy into fruitless bullshit that does nothing to advance his life or happiness. And I can’t say shit. Cuz it falls on the deafest of ears. It’s as maddening as hearing my smart, gorgeous, capable friend Jess tell me that the guy who beat her black and blue months ago didn’t mean it, it was the coke, he’s really a sweet guy. You can’t help someone see what they’re willfully denying.

Reckoning: what the fuck am I going to do about it? Nothing. I’m going to focus on myself; what I can change, and my perception; what I can see. I was out by the water the other day. Across the way a neighbor’s tree was blowing off tons of these puffy white blossoms. A friend sat down with her back to the neighboring property and I asked her what the blossoms were. But as they settled in the water, all she saw were whitecaps. From her vantage point, the waves had just kicked up; she didn’t see that the whitecaps were actually blossoms from some unknown tree. If that isn’t a lesson in perception, I’m not sure what is. You can’t explain things to someone who isn’t present to see things as they are. You just have to have faith that someday they’ll wake up.

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