#222

Is #222 an auspicious number? Will my day be better off for it? I know at least one person who would give a resounding yes as a reply. I was talking about doing things yesterday; how it’s easy to stagnate and get stuck in a rut if we don’t consciously seek out new experiences. But it’s harder when you have no one around who’s interested in linking arms and trying out novel adventures. I bemoan my local acquaintances because they’re all content doing the same things (drinking/smoking/bitching about life and health) day in, day out; wash, rinse, repeat, ad infinitum. My far away friends, the ones I cherish and miss, would be more than down for escapades but hundreds/thousands of miles separate us.

I’m glad I didn’t go off to a new class last night though. A friend of mine was going through a really hard time. The kind of time where moving forward seems far, far harder than just giving up. The kind of time where life seems like a cruel joke; taking pleasure in kicking you when you’re already curled in a fetal position from the barrage of endless, calculated, vicious blows. I can’t give the kind of support I’d like to from 1000 miles away. But sometimes just knowing that another person understands exactly where you’re coming from is enough.

One short year ago I was; suicidal, beaten down, hollow, empty; very nearly out of energy to go on; the thing that got me through was the hardest to begin. I had to change the way I spoke to myself. I had to prioritize me. At that lowest point I had to reach for the life raft of gratitude even when that meant racking my brain for one thing to be thankful for. It’s so fucking arduous. It’s the hardest thing you will ever have to do; but it’s the only way out. My friends are the ones who helped me to see that I was worth putting that effort into. They loved me when I struggled to love myself. They are the strongest people I know; veritable warriors; fighting treacherous battles with horrific odds, and still they come out on top. Remaining unconvinced of their own staggering bravery. Life would be so much easier if we could view ourselves through the eyes of those we’re loved by.

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