I was borderline obsessed with Angelina Jolie in the mid 90s. I loved that she had a round face, big mouth, attitude for days and gave zero fucks. One of her first films, Foxfire, was a feminist manifesto based on a story by the venerable Joyce Carol Oats and it resonated fiercely in my angst ridden teenage soul. In Hackers, she stomped around like a man and proved to be smarter than all of the techbros she shared airtime with. Gia came out my first year of college and every cell in me sang along with her savage symphony of self sabotage. There can be such beauty in shattering. In the utter devastation of breaking apart at the seams. Or maybe that’s just me idolizing the darkness yet again, as I’m wont to do.
A lesser known film of hers is called Original Sin. Her character is a beautiful victim of a murderous scoundrel who finds true love with a naive coffee barron played by Antonio Banderas. The acting isn’t great, nor their chemistry but the location is lush and the cinematography forgiving. It makes you want to travel through South America by train 100 years ago. There’s a line in the film, where she talks about how having someone to fix and bring her coffee in the morning would bring her happiness and change the day.
I’ve been doing that for my entire life. Thinking how nice it would be to have X, Y and Z. To be with someone who showed their love by doing sweet little things like bringing me coffee, or asking about my dreams. How much time have I wasted wishing other people would act in the way that would contribute to my joy? Years. Literal years wasted hoping for changes in behavior and demonstration. Don’t be me. Make your own coffee. Add cinnamon to the grounds, vegan hazelnut cream to the cup; make it decadent. Treat yourself like a prize. Because you are one. Don’t wait for someone else to do anything for you that you’re already capable of doing for yourself. And don’t wonder why they don’t; all you need to know is this: if they wanted to, they would. Don’t depend on other people, even those who claim to “love” you. Be your own adventure, every day.