Over 4 months. You know what’s nuts? I’ve never taken a break from drinking and thought so little about it. Almost as if it was an extraneous or arbitrary concern. I knew I needed to cut it out completely, more due to the addition to cigarettes and my precarious relationship state than anything else. I wanted to be completely clear going into this time of transition. It’s funny-you can tell how mentally healthy I am just by observing my habits.
Am I outdoors most of the day, making shakes and crunching carrots? Am I running with the dog and doing headstands as the sun comes up on the beach? Ok, things are good. Am I sitting at a porch at 9pm under a veil of smoke, caging Grace’s menthol cigarettes and downing cold Moscato? Having not worked out or written in days? Not so good. Finding my triggers, and the opposite (what would you call those things that call you to action, into being your best self? motivators? catalysts?) is still a new thing for me at this stage of the game. The last year has brought so many massive changes (and I distracted myself from a lot of them in typical Pisces fashion for a good many months) I feel like I’m still playing emotional catch up.
I have to make major life decisions in the next few months. Where I’m going to live; do I take a job I do not want in order to afford staying here by the seaside? What does that look like, being single and not super close to my former group of friends? Do I head out to parts unknown? Las Vegas, Ashville, Salt Lake City and Virginia Beach have all been thrown around (being hubs for animal welfare organizations). Do I finally make this chapter about my professional dreams? Running a shelter? Spending 10+ hours days feeding my passion? What does that look like when it’s my sole focus? I’ve spent my entire life prioritizing relationships over other goals, professional or personal; and I’m only just now seeing how that has hindered me.
I have to consciously force myself to just stop getting lost in the stress of my own making. To breathe deeply and really, truly, be in the moment. When you’re able to feel that grace, there’s absolutely nothing comparable. Honestly? It makes me want to do exactly this: move, by myself, to a little house in the country. Jump out of planes and focus on meditating for hours a day. Perhaps move forward with activism on the Dl, the kind that really gets things done. That really feels like the path towards what I seek, which is what we all seek; that profound connection within ourselves that opens us to the interconnectedness of all of humanity and, in turn, all of the world.