#108

Worrying is the death of being in the moment. We all know this. Many of us feel it on a cellular level when cortisol (fight or flight) and adrenaline (not the fun kind) flood our bloodstream. Whether you’re worried about your health, your job, the asshole doing 20 in the left lane of a 35mph zone; they all cause us to stress, age, complain and bring down the vibe of enjoyment. In specific situations and in a broader, generalized life sense. I should know. I have at least 3 advanced degrees in anxiety and overall suffering. Someone, who clearly has no idea how the cocktail of depression/anxiety (so prevalent these days) works, once said to me, “it’s like you enjoy being unhappy.” To that, I ask you, who, the fuck, would choose to feel like shit, on purpose?

I have to assume that people who say things like that just live on a calm plain where not much permeates their outer layer. Cool. But I was born a water sign and my emotions have always lived closer to the surface. I’m not about to apologize for that. But I have learned that if you’re going to allow stimuli through your filter, you better know how you’re going to react to it. Or else you’re completely at the mercy of outside forces. And that’s no way to live. We can’t control the world, we can only control how we react to it. Such a trite, overused phrase, and still so true. You’re the only one who can pilot your internal landscape.

It was like I got out of my head for a minute. By focusing on yoga, interconnectedness, Eisenstein, writing, meditating. No booze, smokes or social media helps too. But after a few days I slip right back into high tension. Stress over the future, which is never guaranteed so in and of itself is futile, has been completely cannibalizing my joy lately and I’m 100% over it. I’m making the vow that I will not overanalyze anything at all until after the election. I feel like the entire country is collectively holding our breath waiting to see what will happen with #shitshow2020. The unrest and uncertainty are changing the very energy around us, the very air we breathe. I don’t think we, as a nation, at least in my lifetime, have ever been quite so precariously balanced.

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