#102

Broke the 100 day mark so I’m telling myself all is well even though the pervasive feeling is I’m coming completely undone. Playing tennis this morning with ex and friend. Wish I liked friend in a romantic sense-why is it all the ‘good guys’ are as appealing to me as day old mayo left out in the sun? It’s not that the ‘goodness’ is unattractive; I think I just don’t really trust any of it. I’m finding out more and more things about people I thought I knew that are legitimately disturbing. That’s why I’m staying TF away from men for the foreseeable future; I trust myself not to fall for bullshit but I don’t trust that I won’t be tempted by it. I need to just funnel all of my titanium angst and raging fomo into this thinly disguised fiction I’m writing. It’s fun putting people I know in situations which illuminate their true colors. Not like I’m bitter or anything.

There’s a certain peace in being the only person I can rely on. While my local ‘friends’ (who don’t text, don’t call, and seem to have forgotten I exist after 5 solid years; funny how that happens) go about their lives. Would I still have left my ex if I knew they would all take his side (really the side of my former bestie who’s now playing house with him)? Probably. But a little warning would have been nice. What I should do is just chalk it up to wanting different things in life, but clearly I lean toward pointless nostalgia. Thankfully the stadium of badass bitches online is chock full and I can always count on my lifelong friends having my back (looking directly at you S, S and J).

It’s October and in July I was a motherfucking mess. In Feb I was so far down in a hole I didn’t know if I’d make it out. Now? Fuck all y’all, I’m good. A lot of that is thanks to faceless queens.

I’m so ridiculously thankful for my mom, my dog, the beach, and not having to deal with a 200lb snoring, sex crazed narcissist puppeteering my every emotion. I’m grateful I have an online community that actually supports bettering yourself instead of drinking to oblivion every night as the hours slowly trickle through the hourglass of life. Seriously, it could be a fuck of a lot worse.

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