#97

I can count on one hand how many days I’ve wanted to drink, or smoke. But when it happens, it’s full force. One was yesterday. Sitting on the beach watching the world dance. Saw two older women (I should be so lucky to look like this at 55, they were on the private beach and dripped $$) get a ‘talking to’ from the police about drinking on the beach. It was not yet 11am and they were drinking canned Busch Light (made sadder by how much better they could afford). My thoughts: ‘wow, if beautiful, clearly successful women are drinking shit beer @11am, I would be totally justified in grabbing some Moscato from the corner store..’ But then cigarettes get into the fantasy and one thing about those filthy, dirty whores-you cannot justify or rationalize use. Cigarettes are only not disgusting in theory. When viewed from any other angle they are straight stank. So that line of thought quickly ceases the (oh so typical) ‘I’ll just get fucked up for one day’ ridiculousness going on in my head.

Not sure if it’s the nightly astral projection meditations, the Shudder subscription (next guy I’m dating will be a horror fan. So over not being able to share one of my major interests with dudes. Take me to dates in graveyards and buy me black fishnet ffs, is it that hard?) or just the dark, maze like autumn vibes, but I’m feeling the veil between planes to be quite thin lately. Perhaps because there aren’t really even dimensions separating us. More likely, everything is actually here, right in front of us, and the only variable dictating what we see is our level of openness. What might we perceive if we could let go of conditioning? convention? fear?

Feeling firmly in (as Eisenstein coined it) ‘the place between stories’. Intermission. Done with things and people who no longer serve the way of life I’m striving to embrace; but haven’t fully written future chapters (or even outlines). Six months until lease is up. Six months of tattooing over this nearly arm length scar. Six more months of the beach steps away, living with ex and ruminating on (wtaf) the next steps are going to look like. All in the midst of pandemic and unparalleled political unrest. For some unknown reason I have 100% faith that things will work out exactly as they should. There’s really no way for them not to, when you think about it.

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