#84

12 weeks. 3 months. No desire to drink or smoke at all; grateful for that. Feeling hella motivated…in theory. Keep telling myself to just go with the flow and be kind to myself; I tend to focus on the things I’m not doing as opposed to giving props for the wins. The fact that it’s 12 weeks is a huge deal considering back in June I couldn’t fathom going even 3 days. Practicing gratitude (and it’s a conscious effort) and meditating at night. Doing a lot of the things I always ‘said I would do’ but then drinking/boys/bullshit got in the way.

I have a friend who I’ve been discussing permaculture and sustainability with. After reading Charles Eisenstein, I know I want to move towards a more basic life, out of the capitalist rat race, try to create/become part of a different sort of community. The number of people pursuing these dreams is inspirational. There’s even an ‘intentional community’ database you can search: https://www.ic.org/. He mentioned last week (apropos of nothing) that he had ‘avoidant attachment’. I wish I had no idea what that meant. I’m glad we are strictly platonic and that reveal means we’ll definitely stay that way.

I spent 10+ years with a dismissive avoidant and 10 months with a fearful one. Not ever signing up for that again. My style ranges from secure to anxious depending on the behaviors and feedback given from partner. Books will tell you to be very careful because secures tend to marry early and avoidants don’t date themselves, so the dating pool is infested with them. The relationship between an anxious and avoidant can be toxic as fuck. In order for it to work long term, the anxious partner needs to be ok with having few, if any, of their needs met, while catering to the avoidant.

I’ll say what the book won’t: do not fucking do it. just don’t. You’ll be miserable. And you’ll feel that ‘if you could just get through to them’ everything would be ok. Don’t waste your time. I’ll never again choose a partnership where I have to do all of the emotional lifting for someone else. #fuckthatnoise

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