#77

I’m triggered this morning (and I hate that word). It’s the waking up at 3:30am. It’s seeing posts about how ‘in love’ people are with guys who treat them like utter garbage. I was off social for a few months. Went back to share some stuff in a group for women getting out of bad relationships. The thing is, most of these women are going back to shitty situations, but they know it. Some are trapped due to finances or children. Some are still blind. Or hopeful. Naive. Willfully ignorant. I get it. I do. But when I see (over and over, from strong, capable, beautiful women) things like, hE sAiD hE’d nEveR cHeAt aGaiN aNd wAs sO sAd, I bElieVe hIm noW anD foRgiVe hiM fOr noT sPeAkiNg tO mE fOr a mOnTH… I have to resist the urge to vomit or go into savior mode. Most are not ready to hear the truth. I wasn’t.

It’s simple. If he cared about you AT ALL, he would not do things to purposely hurt you. “bUt hE diDn’T meAn…” To what? He didn’t mean to…talk to those 15 other girls? (surely you can’t believe the one you caught him with was the only one when he’s still active on dating sites and his phone magically dies every night at 9pm?!!) make you feel unimportant and unheard? Didn’t mean to project his insecurities onto you or blow up whenever you tried to discuss the ways he hurt you? Can we, as women, collectively, wake the fuck, up?

I’m talking to myself here too. Once you see certain things you can’t unsee them. I thought my situation was unique; it’s not. You show people how to treat you. I see women getting right back on the same merry go round that’s scrambling their brains and stealing their joy. Talking about how, “he’S goInG to cHaNge aNd hE seEs hOw wRoNg hE wAs.” Ladies, please take off the rose colored glasses. You are going back to the well that poisoned you hoping to get fresh water. He’s lying, cheating, manipulating, and playing you like a fucking fiddle. Meanwhile, you’re so happy to be ‘back on his good side’… I mean, no more silent treatments and he promises that it’ll be different this time bEcAuSe hE lOveS mE.’ <le sigh>

So yeah, gotta leave that in the dust too. When the student is ready the teacher appears. I can’t tell anyone what they don’t want to hear. It’s just like quitting smoking or going vegan-you can’t see the full picture until you’re on the other side. I’ve scaled that wall I suppose, and you can bet I’ll never again ignore my instincts or that little voice in my gut saying, “something just ain’t right with him’. To all of my sisters still in the web of deceit, hoping that ‘this time will be different’ I leave you with the wisdom; “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” -Maya Angelou

2 Comments

  1. Yep. This is me. I have thought such a lot about my situation over the last week. But there is something I am afraid of… the problem in my case might genuinely be at least 50%, if not more, me. I think I am this reasonable person, tell everyone I am, and he is the narcissist, but I can act a bit mental when I fall in love. I was awake last night freaking out about it. Me, or him? Is it me? Or him? I’m going to go back through my journal today and try to be objective about my own behaviour. He is definitely far from perfect, but how crazy am I, actually? Given I’ve spent two months casually sleeping with someone else, how can I be so angry he went on two dates with a woman who then told him he wasn’t for her? I don’t know. I am either in a mess, I am a mess, or we’re both a mess. And I need an answer asap.

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  2. I think at points we all question if it’s us and feel that way; it’s crazy making for sure. My eyes were wrenched open when I found Quora and threads for covert narcissism. I wasn’t looking for it, had just googled “silent treatment” and that opened up all the doors. When I was still on social, every other day someone asked (in a group for narc partners), “How do I know it’s not me?..I’m acting crazy…” It’s a tactic they use; projection and gas lighting. It’s hard as hell to admit what they are because admitting it means it’s not the great love story you thought it was.

    It doesn’t feel like ‘abuse’. The book by Lundy clarified things for me because after reading it I couldn’t deny what he was doing any longer. I don’t think mine is aware of what he does; they are blameless in their own minds. It’s part of the disordered relational thinking. I hesitate to say ‘they can’t help it’ (and I’m only speaking from my own experience) but I don’t think they realize what they’re doing. They really do believe you are the problem. And there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change them.

    It sucks at first. I felt duped, angry, regretful, scared, sad, stupid. I mourned for the amazing ‘intimate’ relationship we shared-the sex was ridiculous, and he was around through some rough life stuff. But what I realized was not only had he taken over my thoughts and emotional reactions, but he wasn’t giving me anything in return. It was like he had to manufacture drama and couldn’t be content. I thought that feeling I got when he texted was excitement, but it had turned into dread over time. He had pursued me and yet somehow the dynamic had slowly, nearly imperceptibly, shifted, and now I felt like I was the one who had to ‘keep him happy.’

    The issues they have make it impossible to have a healthy relationship, but that’s not true for us. Once we stop drinking the poisoned water, we heal. I’ve known what mine was since Feb, and I didn’t get sick enough of it to leave until July. At that point the sex, the cuddles, the closeness was no longer worth the moods, the silences, mixed messages, barbs, never knowing if he’d be hot or cold and the constant feeling of being slightly off kilter. I’d felt sorry for him when we met and yet somehow, over 10 months, I’d come to crave his attention above all others. I had no answer for why. I didn’t think he was a good person. I didn’t trust him. And I didn’t see a future with him as a long term partner. The best advice I have is trust yourself.

    It’s kinda like drinking too much-once you know it’s a problem, it ceases being fun anymore. You know deep down there are issues but admitting it fully means pain and change and no one wants to sign up for that. It’s easier to keep drinking. Even though it now makes you feel worse and worse. I can say after 2 months of no contact (and I couldn’t fathom not having him in my life in some capacity) that all of my dread and 90% of my anxiety is gone. I know my worth. I’d never have gotten here had I not gone through this. Don’t lose faith in yourself. Hugs.

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