Even the words personal inventory make me cringe. Though I’m not in the rooms, I’m familiar with recovery lingo. After a very wayward youth, I studied psychology in college. By the time I was 18, I’d spent years being told to look inward and analyze my behaviors and motivations. But I haven’t done that in a long time. I kinda skate over certain things in my mind. Facing the ‘bad’ stuff, our flaws, limitations, procrastinations; that shit is not a fucking party. But I woke up today proud of myself for getting to day 76; and I realized how rarely I let myself feel good about things I do. Even after (mostly) eradicating the constant negative voice in my head, the truth is, I’m still busy weighing and facing piles of emotional baggage.
When I was a new vegan I used to rail against willful ignorance. Looking at my life, I’ve been guilty of that hated term for most of it. I’ve been selfish, oblivious, contentious, opinionated, set in my ways to the point of not being able to see what was right in front of me. I’ve seen things as I am, not at all as they are. I’ve listened only to speak, I’ve spoken from anger, pain and insecurity; purposely, to hurt people I loved. I’ve taken so.damn.many beautiful things for granted. Forgiving yourself is fucking difficult. I’ve also spent the last…(ever?) giving all of my love to other people, with absolutely none left over for myself. Which means I depended on that love coming back. Definition of unsustainable.
I’ve always been the strongest when I needed to be my own savior.