My last entry feels nonchalant and somehow not 100% honest. I’m not as flippant as it’s tone would imply. Each day is still a battle, many battles. Living with someone you had a decade long relationship with is not usual and, though he makes it as easy as possible, in nearly a year we have yet to sit down and really hash things out. It’s not needed I guess; after knowing someone for 20+ years you have an emotional shorthand. I know no matter what happens, we’ll always have each other’s back. He’s one of the good guys. And while I have regrets about the way I handled things, I don’t regret parting ways romantically. Neither of us were thriving. Neither felt alive. Now we can have a friendship free of resentment or expectations. We work as friends.
I still feel love for ‘The Eternal Victim‘ too. Not in the same vein. Not losing sleep over it. And under no illusion that it’s a good or healthy thing. But I’m trying to let myself feel it. When my friend asked me, in March, “Why are you going back to him? You can see the red pill/mgtow bullshit a mile away.” My reply was, “There’s just something in him that needs to be loved so damn bad.”
Behind all of the charm and posturing, there really was a boy who’d felt supremely rejected and unappreciated in life. He believed that no one could see his talents and strengths. That women will lie as soon as breathe and aren’t to be trusted. So many emotional scars. Even in the face of the lying, secrets and subterfuge I really did think I might be able to get through. Maybe I could fix, not all of it, but some. Letting go of that is hard. Knowing that he has to frame it (for the sanctity of his psychosis) where I’m the bad guy, that he ‘was just never enough for me’ (like each of his ex’s), feels like chewing on glass.
I have to let it all go. The regret, sadness, nostalgia, hurt, incredulity, anger. But most of all, the hope. I have to let go of the hope that maybe he will ‘see the light’. Maybe the person he was 70% of the time, the sweet, sexy, capable, crazy, creative, genius with so many gifts, will prevail. Maybe he will take a deep, long, honest look at the last 20 years of explosive, dysfunctional, unsustainable relationships and finally stop self sabotaging. See the truth of my observation last November; “If all of your exes are ‘crazy psychos’ that’s a huge red flag. The only common denominator is you.”
I’m going to leave that behind. On this date we all remember. I’m going to focus on being inspired and inspiring others. Learning, about who I am and what’s really important to me. I’m going to trust that there is a flow, a balance humming just underneath the surface of everything tangible. Universal energy that propels us, protects us; residing both within us and all around. I’m going to consciously choose where I put the immense amount of love I have to give. Lofty goals for a rainy Friday but fuck it, at least I’m not thinking about booze.