#54

Four years later and I’m on day #54. No booze, cigarettes. No more boys (…) But I’m making edibles and smoking weed like a fiend. Kratom and green are my only substances. I’m more than ok with that.

In the last year I have: cheated on my partner of a decade, ended the relationship, continued to cohabitate while we date(d) other people, had an accident resulting in 9 surgeries, lived more than I had the previous 5 years, come to grips with who I am as a person and how I deserve to be treated, realized I really can do anything. (even here I feel the need to add the caveat that I tried, for a very long time, to address/discuss/resolve the issues in said relationship, to no effort or avail.)

I’ve also: given the wrong people access to me, hurt people I loved, watched from afar as my father died of covid and my mom proved, yet again, she is the OG badass. I’ve watched my ex and my best local friend get together. I’ve meditated in Mexico with my best friend who was the only person who could see that I needed a motherfucking break. I navigated 3000 miles in my 17yr old Honda a few weeks ago:

20200519_125155_2This car I’m growing to love just as much as my last (RIP 1990 Civic).

As I watched her get through a near fatal spin out and endure being terrorized by a 3yr old tyrant with absolute grace, I’m also growing to adore my dog Hailey:

64377528_10217629692713092_5705443605502492672_n as much as I loved my girl Jazz.27356091_10213661763397339_758445193244767459_o

I haven’t been tempted to drink or smoke for a while. I stopped this time because I knew my head was so utterly spun from ending the (toxic) rebound relationship (that I knew damn well better than to get into in the first god.damn.place) if I continued, it would be a quick downward spiral. I knew I had to prioritize MYSELF (for fucking once, jesus) and I had to do that with a mindset of love and health, not reckless oblivion. It’s actually working so far. I feel better lately than I have in a long ass time; even considering the symphony of chaos my life has been for the past 12 months.

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