Yeah, so today TOTALLY sucks!! Worst day yet-by far. Have you ever seen The Last Unicorn? It’s fucked up, all dark imagery and adult themes. I was obsessed with it as a kid and checked it out every time my parents made the hour-long trek to the video store. There’s a character in the film who’s actually a skeleton that’s (obvs) dead but still begs anyone he sees for booze. He pleads and manipulates and cajoles, pitifully, for just one more taste of
WINE. He drinks it down and gets all flushed and happy but then BOOM-angry, scary skull comes out cuz the vino is GONE:
I felt like the goddamn skull today. ALL I WANTED TO DO was drink. It was just on a constant, continuous loop in my head. I made any and all rationalizations:
- It’s Sunday funday (I fucking HATE that term).
- I’ve been good ALL WEEK (yeah, cuz 7 days is SOOOO LONG).
- I deserve a day off. If I drink, I’ll realize how much I like not drinking better.
- It’s sunny-great day to drink.
- An hour later; It’s rainy, great day to drink.
Here was the best one. I was talking to my dude (dude, LP, life partner, bf, whatever) and I’m like, “I swear, the only thing that is keeping me from drinking is my fucking blog”. He’s all, “You don’t have to write entirely non-fiction”. I was APPALLED.
But it was comical. Because in my head I was already formulating my next blog entry and it would be called Day 1 (again); and then maybe I could reconfigure this whole idea! Instead of “my struggle BEING sober” this could turn into, “my unsuccessful attempts to GET sober”..I have to laugh at myself.
And I guess that’s the crux of it right there. It feels inevitable that alcohol will make its way down my throat again one way or another, at some point in time, so why am I even bothering to prolong this guise? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Anyway.